Defining Boundaries
Boundaries. How often do you hear the phrase “healthy boundaries?” What exactly does this mean? Who determines the boundary? Does the word boundary sound too harsh or safe or scary?
In this week’s support, I thought talking about boundaries would be helpful. They’re always showing up in my practice – who has them, who doesn’t, and what expectations are attached to them.
Setting boundaries can be extremely challenging!
Let’s look at what makes up boundaries, what they mean, and the ways they can be helpful or not.
First up – definition.
According to Webster, a boundary is a line that marks the limit of an area. This is a strong yet simple definition to use as a point of reference. Now break this down a bit and apply it to every day life and relationships and emotions… “marks the limit…” Everyone has limits, right?
At work – Tasks are set daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly because there are limits. Different roles and titles also identify limits. Limits can be defined by location too.
At home – Grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, relaxing, and watching TV are not all accomplished in one day, and they shouldn’t be. Why? Because there are limits.
With partners, family, children, siblings – One person shouldn’t always be apologizing, or taking the blame, or compromising, or keeping the relationship intact, or checking in, or making sure everyone is ok. Even Superman had his limits. (kryptonite, in case you weren’t sure)
I want you to think about, (and if you’re really feeling it, write down) where your limits lie. What are some lines that you are not willing to cross? What are some lines, or limits, that others have put in place for you? Where do you do a really good job on staying within the limits? Where would you like to see change?
And if you have a hard time answering these questions, just go back to that strong yet simple definition. A boundary is a line that marks the limit of an area. Maybe your limit in that moment is to give yourself a break from thinking…
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Benefits of Recovery
The initial benefits of recovery include:
· No more hangovers.
· No more withdrawal rollercoaster.
· No more anxiety about where to find the next drink or dose.
· No more hiding alcohol or drug use.
· No more lying to friends, family, and co-workers about alcohol or drug use — if that was happening.
The benefits of recovery can also span the following domains:
1. Family
2. Social and civic functioning
3. Physical and mental health
4. Legal status and involvement
5. Employment and school
Recovery is the period of time that begins after an individual with an alcohol or substance use disorder takes proactive steps to restore and repair the harm caused by their time in active addiction. They may enter treatment for alcohol abuse, opioid addiction, or a problem with other illicit drugs. They may go to community support groups or begin recovery on their own: whatever the case, when they take that step, that’s when recovery begins.
That’s when things begin to change.
And as you’ll see, that’s when most things begin to change for the better.
If you want to learn more about the benefits of recovery, check out this article. This article, and the information cited above, were written by Christopher Johnston, MD, ABAM, the Chief Medical Officer for Pinnacle Treatment Centers, a leading drug and alcohol addiction treatment provider.
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Addicted Families
In addicted families, there are generally three rules:
Don’t Speak (about the addiction), Don’t Trust (anyone, even yourself), and Don’t Feel (don’t express feelings, don’t allow yourself to have them, and certainly don’t express any appropriate feelings)
Goals of treatment for addicted families include:
Talk about what’s going on
Learn to trust yourself
Know what you’re feeling and share it in a healthy and safe way
Trauma
Natural Disasters. Violence. Sexual Abuse. Domestic Violence. Rape. Neglect. Emotional Abuse. Death and Loss. Bullying. Accidents. School Violence. At times it is hard to escape the negativity and heaviness of all that we are exposed to and what some may experience.
Traumatic events or experiences are often jarring and unexpected. It can disrupt our world view, our security and safety in relationships, and make daily life challenging. Trauma can have lost lasting negative effects on emotional and psychological health and wellness.
Some people will say the event that experienced wasn’t “big enough” to be traumatic. Mistakenly, many people think of events like war to be the only times when the word trauma applies.
Psychology Today (Hyperlink this to https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/samantha-tomer-wayne-pa/708082 ) defines trauma as, “the experience of severe psychological distress following any terrible or life-threatening event.” A keyword here is terrible.
How do you define terrible?
Is your definition of terrible the same as your partners?
As your neighbor’s?
As your classmate’s?
Probably not. Each individual’s perception, reaction, or response may vary when they have experienced a traumatic event.
All responses are valid. No one gets to decide how you feel.
Therapy can support anyone who has experienced trauma, no matter how bigger or how small you think it may be. Therapy can help you:
Develop New Coping Skills
Limit Negative Thoughts
Sleep Better
Put Feelings Into Words
Gain Control Over Your Life
Decrease Anxiety
Limit Depression
Improve Relationships
The effects of trauma do not have to last a lifetime. We are here to help.
Learn MoreMaking the Most of Relationships
You know the phrase “Relationships Take Work” but what does that mean specifically for you and your partner?
Every relationship has its unique challenges. Maybe addiction or infidelity are a challenge for you. Maybe its direct and in the moment communication or managing finances. Maybe external factors get in the middle, like careers and in-laws and children.
Whatever it is, these challenges make it hard to invest in our relationships. They make it hard to move close to our partner, listen and support them, and be vulnerable and honest.
Ironically, investing in our relationships (and ourselves) is the exact remedy for these challenges.
Do you remember when you first met your partner? How exciting it was to receive an unexpected call or special surprise? How nice it was to hear they are thinking of you? How good it felt to return those sentiments?
During that time, would you also say you were being pretty good to yourself? It was important impress this person, to be deeply connected to them, so you made sure you put your best foot forward.
Why did that stop? When did it become too hard to invest in ourselves and in our relationships?
To help you get back on track, here are some ideas and tips to make the most of your relationship:
- Pick one thing that you can do every day that makes you feel good. Drink plenty of water, move your body for 30 minutes, listen to a motivating podcast, cook a healthy meal, read a funny novel. Do one thing every day that makes you feel good. It will not only relax you, but it will increase your ability to tolerate stress, execute patience, and give you a little feel-good dopamine release.
- Look for opportunities to turn toward your partner. Pay attention to all the times you may roll your eyes, sigh heavily, or mumble some not so nice words under your breath. Imagine every time you do this a little brick is placed on the wall that is building between you and your partner. Instead, use this as a chance to strengthen your relationship. When you want to sigh heavily, you may choose now to say “I’m not understanding your choice. Can you tell me more?” When you mumble under your breath, perhaps “It may not have been your intention, but that hurt my feelings” would work better. When you reach for the phone to text a friend to complain, I would imagine “I need your help right now” would go further.
- Find time to wow and woo. Remember those first several weeks or even months of dating, when everyone was out to impress and win over one another? You can still make that happen! Leave a note of appreciation, pack a lunch, make a random call during the work day to let your partner know you are thinking of them, laugh and have fun together. Here is a list of 50 ways to show you.
- Create deep and meaningful conversations. Some couples enjoy listening to podcasts and discussing their thoughts, others prefer to have conversation prompts (answering thought-provoking questions), and some prefer to watch moving films together and then analyzing. All of these activities enhance your relationship by creating a connection, spending time together, and challenging your way of thinking and communicating. Its impossible to know every single thought your partner has so why not take advantage of these new ways of relating.
If you are reading this list and saying to yourself, this is easier said than done OR my relationship is nowhere near ready for this OR I don’t even know if I want to make the most of my relationship, its ok. Every relationship is unique and moves and grows at various speeds. Use this list to help yourself set goals instead. Perhaps your goal is to invest in yourself over the next 90 days. Maybe its to talk with a professional to see if you can build enough trust in your relationship to turn towards your partner. If you are not in a place to take action, start by creating a vision for your relationship.
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