The impact on you. The impact on your relationship. 

By: Charlotte Nadler, MA, LMFT, CCSP-ADHD

It’s one of those days where you feel like you can’t even be honest with anyone about the level of intensity of your children and their needs. Maybe you have all the tools in the world and you know what to do, or maybe you don’t, but the feeling is the same—it’s beyond hard, you’re tired, and you are plain burnout. The summer can be confusing because it seems like the perfect time to step back, relax, and enjoy the slower pace that we crave. But sometimes it highlights the basic things that just don’t come natural to your family or kids. Raising neurodivergent children can be hard. It can feel overwhelming. There can be countless parenting conversations that leave you feeling like you’re in a hamster wheel with your partner about how to tackle your situation, and then after all the back and forth, it ends in an avalanche of conflict with no solution. It can take it’s toll on your relationship leaving you to feel alone and unsupported or maybe on the other hand, you feel like you can never do anything right as a parent and your partner is constantly on your back. And not to mention, how can you even take care of your own needs when you are feeling tapped out from the intensity of parenting high needs children?

There are many times you feel you’re at an impasse and for a whole host of complicated reasons that might not make it easy to apply the wealth of information you have been scouring all night online. You just want a real plan to make real progress based on your unique situation that takes into account the nuances of your situation—how your own wellness is impacted, how your child is developing, how your relationships are impacted, and how you find adequate support through schools and other outside activities. You want hope that things are going to move forward and you’re not always going to feel stuck. You might not even believe that’s a possibility anymore. Will anyone ever be able to understand all the moving pieces and put it together? Deep down you know there is a unique and beautiful child under all the challenging behaviors and you desperately want to see that shine through. You want to be able to weather the storms with your partner. You want to feel rock solid in how you connect, be able to support each other’s needs, and have fun again. The smallest little cracks seems to grow deeper and deeper, which disrupts your entire life. 

There is a different way! We can build a deeper understanding of our kids and the way they are naturally wired, our own unique neurobiology as a parent and what messages we received growing up, and ultimately what we want in our partner relationship and how to actually get on the same page. There are many levels of care that are not always integrated and working together. 

Parenting high needs children: 4 quick tips to help get you back on track and begin the movement forward to finding deeper and sustainable answers.

• Set your kids up for success. As author Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well when they can.” Lagging skills may be at the core of issues that keep coming up. We might assume that based on our child’s chronological age that they should be able to do something, when in fact, certain skills are not developed and it’s taking longer to acquire these skills naturally. Something that seems simple to us, such as flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, communication, or problem solving can be extremely difficult. As a parent, try to think proactively about what skills need to be explicitly taught and developed before turning to useless punishments. That’s not to say consequences and ways to clean-up behaviors should be dismissed, but there is a need for skill development to be done ahead of time instead of being reactionary. It’s also important to notice that some environments produce more difficult behavior. Find activities that you know work for you. For example, maybe hiking in the woods has a slower pace, room for exploration, and in turn limits sibling fighting, as opposed to a family bowling outing. Pay attention to what works for your family and do more of those activities to build upon little successes.
• Think about basic needs and sensory dysregulation. One internal sensory system called interoception (one of your senses that helps you feel what’s going on inside you and can be under-responsive for some neurodivergent children) can make it harder for some kids to stop when they are tired and take a break, feel temperature changes when it gets too hot/cold, grab a drink, or a snack. In general, the ability for some children to understand when they need down time, or connection time, or how they can get their energy out, doesn’t always come easy. Slowing down the pace when you need to transition from activity to activity, investigating how/when to integrate a “sensory diet” to better balance regulating or stimulating activities can be helpful. You can also remember the acronym H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) to problem solve when your child is having difficulty articulating their needs. Hopefully there will be less of a chance for a meltdown when you take some of these factors into consideration for your sensitive child. 
• Develop affective calmness and use less words. Dr. Russell Barkley (neuropsychologist and ADHD guru) succinctly explains, “Act, don’t yak.” Using less words and remaining grounded, calm, and assertive will go a long way versus speaking from a place of your own emotional dysregulation, which typically increases the volatility of the moment. Barkley goes on to say, “The more you blather, the more you natter, the more you nag, the less influence you have. So stop thinking that one more sentence will be enough to tip the scales in favor of obedience.” 
• Make communication a priority with your partner when you are both calm. Talking about how both you and your partner are experiencing the demands of parenting is beneficial. Many times communication comes in the heat of the moment, which is not productive. Each of you might have different bandwidths of what you can withstand emotionally or physically. Understand each of your strengths and then capitalize on those strengths, versus focusing on your deficits and then falling into the trap of placing blame on one person. Also, enlisting your natural supports, those people who are trusted and have your best interests in mind, can give you needed respite when you feel you’re in a difficult cycle with your child.

For more information and immediate support in parenting high needs children, connect with Charlotte now.

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reduced fee therapy

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She has current openings for clients in Wayne, PA and Telehealth. Veronica brings a variety of clinical experiences to her work at BCA Therapy. She has experience counseling children (5+), adolescents, adults, couples, and families. She is especially passionate about supporting teens and young adults, as well as helping couples and families build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.  

Veronica works with teens, young adults, individuals, couples, and families, focusing on stress management, life transitions (e.g., education and career changes, relationship and family changes, grief and loss), identity development, anxiety, and depression. With couples and families, she aims to strengthen communication, improve conflict resolution, and foster deeper connection.

Congratulations Veronica Jeffers, LPC!

Veronica Jeffers, LPC

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Both our Wayne and Yardley location have been selected to be honored among the 2024 Best for Families! We have been selected for the “Main Line Parent 2024 LOVE Award Winner – Mental Health Champion” and “Bucks County Parent 2024 LOVE Award Winner – Mental Health Champion”!

We love and care for our clients deeply. This only reinforces that we are providing quality care every single time and it’s making a difference!

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After being honored as a Main Line Parent and Bucks County Parent Woman of Influence in 2023, Ivory Tree Portraits’ Founder and Owner, Lara Mattey, has invited several fellow Women of Influence into the photo studio for a chat and a Headshot Session. It’s been a wonderful way to get to know a diverse and driven group of local women doing amazing things in our local community!

Meet Brynn Cicippio, Founder and Owner of BCA Therapy, a private therapy practice comprised of a group of compassionate, ethical, and experienced therapists offering individual, couples, and family therapy. With two practices, one in Yardley and the other in Wayne, Brynn’s supportive work has helped many and has earned her a Main Line Parent and a Bucks County Parent Women of Influence Award in 2023.

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According to NAMI, “You are not alone”, as a 2021 survey showed that three in five Americans feel the holidays negatively impacted their mental health [1].

So, what are ways that we can care for our self during the holiday seasons?

Here are some tips to prevent holiday stress and depression:

1. Take care of yourself. This can be done through self-care and forming healthy habits. For example, going on a walk, doing yoga, going to the gym, watching a movie, reading a book or something that can help you feel less worried and take your mind off a stressful environment and help you boost your mental health and deal with stressful activities.
2. Ask for help. Talk with a therapist or make plans with a trusted individual, best friend that you can trust, or a trusted family member.  Asking for help is not a weakness, it shows that you are strong and have the courage to do so you matter. If you are sad, anxious, depressed, stresses please don’t be afraid to ask for help. BCA Therapy has therapists in Wayne and Yardley that can help you today!
3. Focus on what you can control. Don’t worry about things that are out of your control. If something is bothering, you that is out of your control quit worrying about it and thinking about it, there is nothing you can do about it. This will help you relieve a lot of stress and help you focus on what is in your control.
4. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Just because everyone around you is drinking doesn’t mean you have too as well. If someone offers you a drink and you don’t want to drink say “NO”. It is important to set boundaries for the holiday season no matter who is around. By avoiding drugs and alcohol you avoid an increase in depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues.
5. Identify holiday triggers. Triggers could be people, places, and things that remind you of past trauma or upsetting events. Examples of holiday triggers could be traumatic memories, a narcissist family member, a loss of a loved one, stressful family relationships, or emotional breakups. To avoid holiday triggers put a plan in place ahead of the holidays to avoid these emotional holiday triggers. These plans can put a plan in place to avoid those triggers and help you reduce holiday related stress.

Source:

[1] Mental Health During the Holidays: 8 Tips That Can Help | NU

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• Time management– College can be more demanding than high school, plan to devote more time to your studies. Plan out your days and create a routine that you stick to every week. Having an assignment book to mark important assignments and tests can make your experience of college so much easier.
• Socializing– It can be fun to meet your roommate(s) and others on the floor in your building. Just remember that some people thrive on social interaction while others may struggle with that, so be kind to one another.
• Independence– Now that you’re on your own, you may feel the need to test your limits. Don’t make bad decisions based on peer pressure. Say “NO” to things you don’t want to do. Setting boundaries is very important and do not let people step over your boundaries and respect other people’s boundaries.
•  Resources– Be sure to use to familiarize yourself with the resources on college campus. Consider joining a student organization and being involved. There is also learning assistance and resource centers, and student health services and counseling centers that can assist you if needed.
• Stress– Being aware that some amount of stress and anxiety is normal. You are in a setting with new people and new challenges. You can do this!

Sources:

Family Matters: Making the Transition to College – West Chester University (wcupa.edu)

Planning Ahead for Your Mental Health Care as You Transition to College | The Jed Foundation

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Things you didn’t know were anxiety:

• Pleasure to be perfect.
• Thinking everyone is judging you.
• Trying to meet everyone’s standard.
• Rethinking your decision.
• Irrational fears.
• Chronic stomach pain.

Anxiety can also grow throughout your body, but you can do the work to calm your nerves. One step is to visit BCA Therapy, because we have therapists who specialize in anxiety and can help look deeper, uncovering additional life factors that lead to out-of-control feelings. We have locations in Bucks County and the Main Line area that you can visit.

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How can a narcissist impact your life? Let’s look at the jar here is how:

How much more are you going to take from a narcissist? Don’t you think it’s time to get away from them? The answer is you should take no more from them and get away from them. They are ruining your mental health. The jar can only hold so much just like your emotions! Don’t let it get that full before it overflows. This requires courage and strength to stay away from narcissists. But at BCA Therapy, we believe everyone is capable of doing this if you are willing to put the work in and do so. It will be so worth it, and the extra baggage will be lifted off you mentally.

Visit BCA Therapy we are located in the Bucks County and on the Main Line in Wayne, Pennsylvania! We have therapists that specialize in narcissistic abuse can help support you on your journey to recovery.

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